He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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