I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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