and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
