Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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