i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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