Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
