well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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