All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
