why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
