please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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