I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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