I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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