girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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