What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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