I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
