my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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