That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
