Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
