dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
