I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
