It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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