my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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