Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
