she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
