That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
