when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
