I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
