my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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