Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
