Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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