Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
