I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
