What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
