She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
