he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
