if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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