yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
