that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
