my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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