You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When did angry sex become our thing?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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