I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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