I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
