We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
COCAINE IS GR8
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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