sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
