did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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