god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
