the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
