you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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