I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
