Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
