just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
