I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
