Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
