Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
