My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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