the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
