im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
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In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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