you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
