Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
