Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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