So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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